Nish Planet
My Body’s Moving, I Must be Breathing. . .
Looking up at the sky, Nish, drawn in by the colorful hue, ventures into what awaits her tonight. The sky pigmented a shade of indigo, dominating the various colors. Softly scenting the change of season, fresh ocean air mists the breeze with a faint hint of lavender. With each breath she takes in something new.
Feeling the soles of her feet curve to the lumpy ground offered a soft reminder that she was home. This was home. Well. . .most days.
Following the pathway, Nish almost didn’t notice the change in the sky. Feeling the tingles against her skin. Listening to her breath enter and exit her lungs. Her hair brushed by the shallow wind. She could barely hold her thoughts.
“I miss you.” Three simple, clear words that have never been so daunting. The feeling of seeing Tyrell with another woman plunging her in the heart still as Nish finds her way unto the depths of the beach.
Miss me? Really?
Juggling work and life, while trying to recover from love’s hangover, and to get this reminder of not only what she lost, but also what she has been dealing with never having in the first place.
Stumbling through the familiar space, taking deep breaths in between stifled sobs, she continues to focus on being with Ion.
Not realizing the sky changing before her eyes, startled by an unexpected flash. Enamored with the succulent colors, she revels at the brightness. Walking toward the open beach, she is met with a reflective glare off the water. So absorbed that she didn’t notice and almost fell, losing her balance. Unable to take her gaze away from the glaring halo up in the sky, she stops and stares.
“Ion” she exhales faintly.
The star, sparkling, white light filling the sky. A faint whisper hushes her intruding thoughts, “At times in life, there are events that steal the essence of your joy, and they may engage you. However, in their darkness, they only enhance your presence.”
Feeling the lull of the close whisper, Nish feels her body sway loosely into a more potent wind. The Sun suddenly darkens, filled with a blazing rim encircling the quiet star. “In these moments you become the center of time.”
Hypnotized by the power of the heavenly movements, she feels the tension in her body release. “That’s it.” She hears the soothing whisper command. “Let go of it all. You’re home now.” In this moment, she could feel her body absorb the fullness of the sun, a blazing crown of fire in the sky, highlighted by the speckles of beautiful stars. Brightened by the surrounding moons.
“It’s for you. There’s nothing more special to me than you, and all I want is for you to appreciate this moment.”
. . . And Now I Release it. . .
In her daily work, Nish brought strong outcomes, and took on some of the most challenging factors in her department. Her mindset was impeccable and her focus was contrasting hardships towards what was simple. She figured out what made sense. Her ability to pull from the past and open up new pathways for the future aided as she learned to guide her intended results. People heard her, even when they pretended not to listen. Appreciating that she was still growing, she soon saw transparently that the actions of her peers were directed by jealousy.
In her role, she was excited to pursue her career goals, however, not as eager as when she first began working. Nish focused on learning, and redirected excess energy to homemade home care, such as Niche Nectar, her original foot cream creation. She was grateful that her job gave her skills that allowed her to look outside of her toxic work environment.
It didn't take long for her insights to be adopted, “Shinae What do you think?” or “Shinae What is your perspective?” While too often, she had to learn to troubleshoot and solve her biggest inquiries on her own.
Feeling confident, Nish felt fulfilled, she was glad to get up each morning and go into work, even if the social atmosphere wasn’t nurturing, she valued her ability to contribute. This particular day was different. No job is forever, but this one was perfect for now.
Waking up, starting the morning routine full of energy, Nish prepared to head in to work. Smiling in the mirror and laughing in the shower, she felt differently. It made it even better when she saw how chic her outfit for the day looked. She felt like magic.
More and more aware of how old and musty the building was, Nish refused to feel anything but like a superstar. Setting down her items on her desk and turning on her computer, she opened her email to a requested meeting at 9:15am. With 15 minutes to spare, she adjusted her attire in the mirror in the bathroom, and headed into the HR office.
Inhaling the stale scent of disinfectant and plastic, mixed with the cheap synthetic flower fragrance Nish looked across the desk at Karyn as she organized the papers in front of her. Her face drooped as she appeared to be assembling puzzle pieces. Counting in a light whisper “2-3-4. . .” she stacked her papers, and then dropped them to create a straightened pile. When she finally looked up, her face was flat and she spoke with a distant tone.
Nish sat quietly, finding her mind wondering about what her day would be like after this meeting.
Karyn began to speak, in a manner unusual to Nish’ previous encounters. She was more stern and hard hitting. “Well, Nish, as you know, our company has been going through some changes. . .” As Karyn spoke, Nish heard it. The undeniably stale sound of expiration. This was it. “Your work has spoken for itself, but when it came down to it, we are unable to keep you on at this time.”
Nish felt struck in her disappointment. Such a violent smack, she froze at what she heard.
“We are prepared to offer you a severance package. . . “
Unable to hear Karyn's schpiel, Nish stared off.
What should have been an opportunity for Nish to celebrate her own brilliance, her ability to bring her best into her position, the greatness that she has been able to cultivate in her work life, quickly became a very daunting situation. As Nish digested the weight of this blow, she also remembered that what she offered once she will offer again.
Done, with it all, the day became a blur. Nothing made sense, and everything was question that needed answers. Leaving the office, Nish returned home, ate what was in the fridge, slid in between the covers and decided to tackle her challenges in the morning.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
Turning off her alarm, and mentally preparing herself to begin her day, Nish rolled over and took deep breaths. She could stay in bed, and just let today pass, but she knew better. She needed to give herself today. So she took it.
The usual fruit and yogurt out of the fridge, an English muffin, and coffee for breakfast. She sat at her desk in front of the window, with laptop and planners placed for convenience. Her coffee in hand, she stared off into the space in front of her. Sighing heavily at the thought of another job search. The basic routine, search, keyword. . . blah. . .blah . . . blah lies and abuse. I can look later. Moving to the couch and watching a movie on her streaming service, she lost track of time.
While Perusing her phone, she found a blog that shared her homemade foot cream as a manicure care secret. What!?
This cream is perfect for hands and feet. She read. If you don't have it, get it. Your hands have never felt better. Feeling seen, her first call was Dai Che.
Dai Che, the Diva she is, answered playfully and unnerved.
“Shinae Devonne Michaelson? My Shinae? 26, living in Stevensville, Shinae Devonne Michaelson? This ain't you, is it boo? ”
“Girl, it's me.” Nish responds, knowing her friend.
“Stranger. It's been a month of Sundays. For what do I have the pleasure of this early morning, Thursday call?”
Dai Che being dramatic asked without missing a beat.
“Stranger? I know you did not, lady. Travel to Africa and disappear for six months. I just called you. . . “
After a short pause.
Cutting off the retort, “Damn. That happened. I did just. . . Leave. My bad, Hey friend, what's up?”
“My passion project, Niche Nectar is mentioned as a manicure treatment cream! My homemade product is on a ‘Best kept secret blog!’ Girl, I'm flying! Which is perfect, since they laid me off yesterday. I just gave so much, and they piled on before I left. It's been a full couple of weeks.”
“I'm happy for you girl.” Dai Che responds. “For both your creation, and your job. You were just holding space ‘til this moment.”
Of course Dai Che’s words could not be moreon time.
Knowing Nish hadn't been out for a while, and also her hate of public spaces since she caught Tyrell cheating, Dai Che offered an invitation for lunch. “Let's meet for lunch, I have 2pm for you. We can talk more then?”
“You're busy now? I was hoping to put in some job applications this afternoon. I found this awesome position this morning.” Nish lied, knowing she doesn't want to leave the house. I hope she doesn't know I’m lying.
“A position? This morning? We both know you're lying.” Dai Che sucked her teeth. “You ate breakfast and watched a movie.” Softer in tone, “Nish it's day one, and you just had an awesome win, that you probably never would’ve found if you were burying yourself in your monotonous job duties. C’mon out to lunch. We’ll eat in the park, get some fresh air, and chat about what you need in this moment. 2 o’clock?”
After some hesitation, Nish groaned, aware of needing the friend time.
“Fine bitch, text me the spot, I’ll get off the phone and go out in public.”
Dai Che cackled so loud she surprised herself, knowing her friend wouldn’t refuse a lunch date.
Nish followed up with, “I look too good to be inside all day anyway, but I'm still pissed.”
Hanging up the phone, Nish pulled out some Niche Nectar, applying it to her bare feet. Rubbing in the softening cream, she felt the satin smoothness against her flesh.
Lost in her thoughts, she rubbed the soft cream into her feet, recalling her last dropoff.
Completing her delivery early, she went to Tyrell’s. Catching him with Chanel, she hesitated to turn into the drive. Hugged up, kissing her neck. Snuggling up like they had just had sex.
“C’mere girl.” she heard his coy tone, pulling Chanel close the same way that he pulled her close. “Tell me what you want.” He said, biting his lower lip.
“You daddy, give me more of you.” Chanel said, with a girlish giggle.
Driving straight, her only focus was to get the vision out of her mind. When Tyrell called her later in the day, she told him it was cool to come by her place.
Nish felt sick to her stomach. She was disgusted after seeing them.
Walking in through her door, Tyrell started in immediately.
“Baby, I missed you all day.” He lied, coming in for a hug. When she held up her hand at his advance, he wanted to know what was up. “Baby, do I get a kiss? Some hello?”
Nish looked away. Then she looked Tyrell directly into his eyes. “Hello” she said working to hold back the anger in her voice.
He tried to walk into a hug again, this time Nish turned and held her hand to his chest, stopping him.
“What’s up?” he says, not hiding his irritation.
“What’s up with you?” She spits, “or better yet, what’s up with Chanel?”
He stops. Almost stiff as a statue, his face became blank, but only for a moment before he attempted to use dialogue.
“Nish, I love you. I know that. . . I know I messed up. You’re the most loving person that I ever met. I know what I did, and I’m sorry.”
“No Tyrell. You don’t get to fuck another woman and then tell me that I’m the most ‘loving’ person that you know. You don’t get to act like you know me after choosing an easy fuck over our relationship for, how long? How long Tyrell? How many fucks did you get in before my ‘love’ became so important to you? Let’s not forget that I wouldn’t even know that you were fucking her if I hadn’t caught you!”
“Baby, I know. . . I. . . I know. . . that I messed up, but. . . It’s you okay? I. . . I just want you.”
“You never wanted me.”
Nish went over to the door, and opened it up. “Good-bye Tyrell.”
Tyrell looked at her, for the last time and walked to the door. Just before walking through, he looked straight ahead not meeting her gaze. “I am done with you. Take a good look because I’m out.”
Nish watched him, his body language gave the desire to stay, she knew that the best thing was to let his ass go. She turned around and waited for him to get the hint. Not hearing the door close, she noticed he made sure that when he walked out, he left the door open.
She, however, made sure to close it.
Coming back to the present, she looked at the time, 1:15pm. She checked her text messages.
Meet at Fox’s Bar and Grille
22415 Leaton Rd- FYI: I invited the crew, see you soon.
Dai Che
Nish had just enough time to get to the spot. She put on her socks, grabbed a pair of shoes, swabbed on her lip gloss and headed out the door. Not sure she was ready to see everyone, but she needed to get out of the house.
2:30pm, dining at a picnic table in the park, Nish and her best friends Dai Che, Bennie, and Dion, all sat around enjoying their takeout. After finishing their lunch, they conversed back and forth.
“Drama Queens make everything sound urgent.” Bennie interjected, matter of factly.
“Biting already, did you get enough to eat, or do you need mine too? No one needs the testy attitude today, bitch.” Dai Che snatched back. She motions to Nish. “Anyway, if you haven’t noticed, your homegirl is in need of some support and understanding. I can’t fight both of y'all.
Nish, enjoying not thinking about her setback, looks at Bennie.
Looking at Niche, “You have been looking pouty since we got here. I figured ole’ boy was back and on one.” Bennie shares, referring to Tyrell.
Sighing and speaking calmly, Nish steadied herself to share, not wanting to discuss her ex. “Bastards! Laid me off. . . ” She blurted out abruptly, off sounding like Awf.
Everyone laughs, but Bennie chuckles the loudest, as Nish shares. “I gave them the best part of a good year, and they treated me like trash.”
Nish couldn't help but laugh at herself. “I’m so for real right now.” She states through her giggles. “For seven months, I showed up, taking on too much, putting too much aside, I can't tell you how many ‘are you still alive?’ vms I have gotten from my mom. “
“And texts from me.” Bennie chimed in.
“Oh Shinae, your input would be great on this. Shinae what do you think about the end of month returns? Ugh. . . Figure out your fuckin’ returns!” Nish exhaled so hard, she growled.
“Regardless of how focused and driven I was, and how I showed up, I was undermined. I was made to feel unworthy and undervalued. Also, I don’t want to talk about Tyrell, but I gave him everything too.”
Suddenly, Nish could hear a rasping sharp buzz in the air. It was her, breathing.
“See, this is why I don't talk y’all. All I hear is my breathing a-”
Straddling the park bench, cutting off Nish’s anxiety rant, Dion put her hand on Nish’s back.In a calm and thoughtful manner, Dion gently spoke,
“I know how much that job meant to you, Nish.” She delivers genuinely, with a gentle back rub.
“We all do.” Everyone echoed. Their voices synced like a choir. Setting an open and welcoming tone, while protection and security filled the air.
“Yeah? Except it wasn’t the job.” Nish clarified, “Dai Che, you have your company, and your community. Bennie, you love yourself so much, in the last year, it’s been so clear. No one is mistaking who you are. Dion, your music, and the artist award you got this year. You’re all here, and I’m crunching numbers, staring into them like they tell me ‘who is Nish?’ .”
Nish felt herself slump. “I know, I know our own journeys, and lessons, I’ve heard it, but it really does feel like I’m just ‘sitting here’ going nowhere, doing nothing, in the same place that I’ve been in for 4 years.”
Dion looked at Nish thoughtfully.
“Nish, you have been looking for yourself for a long time in the professional world.”
“Longer than four years, girl. “ Dai Che softly interjected.
Dion continued “ Have you ever thought that maybe you haven’t found yourself, because you aren’t there? It's not for you. Where else have you looked? You go into these work spaces where they don't seem to understand that the brilliant mind discussing these complex concepts that they barely grasp is coming from your shea butter soft skin. You- Nish, open-minded, sultry, sexiness, the color of deep Sienna, you. They can't see that the brilliance that they need is your kinky curls and style diversity. Do you bring your best? Yes. You outshine dem dusty spaces, but is it for you? No. The Universe is telling you to take another look, and find yourself in a place meant for you.”
Pausing, Dion gently touched Niche’s arm. “ I looked in my positions too. I looked in companies, I looked in job descriptions, I looked deep into co-worker networks, but that's not where I found Dion. When I stopped looking in the corporate world, and became open to the world of music, I fell in love with creating, I found myself in the act of loving myself enough to try.”
At this moment, Nish noticed that Dion’s face had a touch of wisdom, and a look of discernment. Her body appeared long, in her cut off ,boyfriend cut slacks. Her bracelet Twinkled in the light, her necklace dangles limply around her neck. Her hair looking phenomenal as usual as she had it swooped back, away from her oval shaped face, but up in a manner that is so simple yet stylish. She’s Perfect.
“Listen. I just know that when I stopped trying to force what I thought or was told was ‘fitting’ for me, what was right for me had room to fill the space. I know that music fits in my life. Sometimes, it doesn’t always make sense, but you don’t know until you permit yourself to try.”
Without taking a breath, Dai Che speaks softly.
“I didn’t always know, either. Do you all think that my parents applauded my aspiration to become the top hairstylist and to run a conglomerate for a bunch of “no named” salons? First they lectured me.”
“The Lectures.” Dion echoes.
Then they questioned every single decision.
“Ugh. . . the questions.” Bennie moans.
Dai Che keeps speaking, “When I finally started feeling like I could learn, they took every opportunity to remind me that they did not pay for me to go to school, to ‘do hair’, they don’t care that my facial line is a top seller, or that I am a top brand in 28 of the 50 States. They still ask me about my degree.”
In this thoughtful moment, Nish looks at Dai Che, “I knew when you said that you wanted to create skin and hair care, that you were sure. And when I looked at you, you knew that was who you wanted to be.”
Looking away, Nish continues, “But for me the only thing I could feel in my stomach was how much I wanted it for myself. And I'm sorry if I didn't come off from that moment, reminding you that this was who you are. And you are phenomenal for stepping into where you shine. It didn't sit right with me when I felt like I couldn't truly be happy for you because something was calling to me.”
Dai Che looks at her friend, considering her words.
Nish looks off at a nearby tree, ”I knew when you told everybody that you were about to dive-in, that this is where you’d be. I knew that this is who you were. If I’ve never said it clearly, I’m saying it now, this is who you are. It didn't sit right with me that I felt like. . . as you were growing and learning the person that you were becoming, I felt like a stranger to myself. I felt like you finding yourself, only told me more of who I wasn’t.”
Dai Che laughed thoughtfully, and then thought for a moment. “ You. . .”
“I have. . .” Bennie and Dai Che begin to speak at the same time, but then Bennie pauses, and Dai Che continues, “You have always encouraged me. The first thing you said to me when I started my skin cream was ‘Good. Can you please help me , out with what's going on with my skin?’ It's like I've been encouraged from the day I told you. You did not come off to me like my parents. And our relationship has redefined where we are and where we're going. You're so busy looking out.”
The group was silent. Bennie takes the moment and speaks softly at first, “I have walked this path for years, and you all knew me before. I was carrying other people’s shame, and living a life that didn’t fit any part of who I am. I hear you all.” Dion, Dai Che, and Nish turn to Bennie.
Continuing on, “I have been asked about falling in love, and finding myself. My parents still don’t get it, they try. I love myself enough to decide who in my life is worth that effort. I can tell you right now, the day that it was a job, I’m done.” Bennie, without missing a beat, swivels on the bench a bit, moving elegantly. Stopping to think, and then continuing to speak, “I have asked and answered so many questions, “does this feel right”, “how does this make me feel?”, “How do I want to feel?”, I get tired. I know I look like the answers are constant, but they change, because I am ever evolving. Every single one of you here, is here, because I know that whoever I am today, or tomorrow, or any other day, no matter how different, I’m your friend regardless.” Bennie’s eyes close, as though to fight back tears, “I don’t have to be anyone here but Bennie, and I can sit here and be confident in that. It’s nice to have, and exhausting to need, and I will accept all of you, in all your drama and identity crises, and you will accept me, in all of my hanger.” Bennie’s eyes open, “I will be so glad when this identity crisis phase ends.” Everyone laughs as Bennie wipes their hand across their brow.
Nish not realizing how much she missed having this time with her friends, felt like a weight had been lifted. She wished that she could tell them everything.
“How you doing, Nish?” Dion asked, while everyone looked intently awaiting her response.
“I don’t know. “ She answered.
Thinking to herself I’ll know when I sit with Ion, right now, my body’s moving, so I must be breathing.